You know, I think I might actually like Hot Pockets, if it weren’t for the cheese. I hate that cheese - and this is coming from a Velveeta lover! I imagine Hot Pockets gets their cheese through some sort of deal with Satan. Not the conventional ‘I’d sell my soul for an unlimited supply of mediocre cheese product’ kind of thing, but more of a general business deal, where Satan, being the industrious fellow that he is, tried to get into the cheese making business a few millenia ago by purchasing the most disgusting milk imaginable, stuffing it in his nether regions, and promptly forgetting about it until Hot Pockets dropped him a line saying ‘Hey Satan, we need a good source for ass cheese. Know any?’ After purchasing Satan’s ass cheese, they proceed to water it down and put it through the blender so many times, the end result resembles something I’ve seen come out of many a sick kids’ noses.

Yeah, I don’t want to be thinking about stuff like that when I eat a Hot Pocket.

But lo and behold, Hot Pockets has trotted out their Barbecue pockets once again! (I say once again because I distinctly remember buying and eating them once when I was in college several (hundred) years ago. Don’t be fooled by the ‘NEW!’ sticker.)

I had a barbecue chicken Hot Pocket. And it was good. The sauce tasted like Barbecue sauce, and the chicken tasted like chicken. Not hard to do, but I’m surprised by how many frozen food companies can mess up both of those.

Bolstered by this success, yesterday I went in search of another chicken Hot Pocket. Alas, there were none to be found at the local Safeway, and that was the only thing within my walking distance. However, there were some intriguing barbecue beef Hot Pockets. Going against my better judgement (beef never EVER turns out well in frozen food) I decided to try them. After all - no cheese AND the chicken ones were good! It seemed like an acceptable risk, right?

Wrong! There was no beef to be found, only strips of rubber that were maybe slightly less tough than I imagine the sole of a shoe is. I suppose if your daily diet consists mostly of shoes you might find these tasty. But everyone else, stay far far away.

To Hot Pockets: I suggest you change the packaging of these ‘beef’ pockets thusly: